"I've Been Gentle Parenting For A Decade Now": Here's What Real People Have To Say About The Gentle Parenting Trend

You mean to tell me that parents are just teaching their kids emotional-regulation skills that I'm still figuring out in my 30s? Honestly kinda jealous of the youths sometimes.

"My younger kids know how to express their limits. They are quick to play mediator in conflicts. They are more in tune with what's fair to a group and collaborate toward that. 

"When we have a long car ride, we talk about how we can prepare: snacks that help versus not, activities that are best suited, and special privileges, because it's an unusual, challenging situation. When they are upset and I don't have time to listen to it, we set a time for them to vent. Their emotions don't rule our family, but they are real, and we will give time and space to honor them. 

"We also ask, 'Is this helping or hurting the situation?' Or 'Do we want to make this bigger or better?' We define venting versus complaining. We empower their boundaries, but they also need to respect others' boundaries.

"When I see 'failed' gentle parenting, It is often authoritarian parenting. The kid is just in the role of authority. Their feelings, schedule, and emotions rule everything and everyone, and others pay for not respecting that.

"Gentle parenting is gently teaching your child how to be a good human with other humans. They must learn to be gentle with others too."

—Becki

"He is an overall good kid, but lately those consequences don't work anymore. If his toys get taken away, he'll find something else to do. No 'fun' snacks doesn't work because I've raised him on generally healthy food, and he has no problem with fruits and veggies. I won't take away outside time or let him go hungry. He's fine with no screentime. 

"Just as an example, he'll calmly say no when I say it's bedtime, or he refuses to clean up his messes. Explaining/showing him the benefits of doing these things doesn't work."

—TrilingualMom

"Now, I won't lie and say I haven't lost my cool and spanked my daughter a couple of times (not hard, but enough to 'get her attention'). Then I realized we're sitting here telling her not to hit us, but we turn around and spank her — that's doing nothing besides showing her it's okay to hit, even though we're saying don't. 

"That was my first come-to-Jesus moment. And magically, she stopped hitting me when she got angry. She might throw her cup or something, but she doesn't direct the anger toward me, even though I'm the one she's mad at.

"The second come-to-Jesus moment was hearing someone say the things 2-year-olds do aren't punishable, they're just undesirable. Their brains are literally wired to just do random shit. Throwing her colored sorting bears isn't behavior she needs to be punished for. It just annoys the shit out of me, and that's a me problem. 

"When I ask her to pick them up and she doesn't, instead of getting mad and yelling, I start singing the 'Clean Up' song by Barney, and it's as if this switch goes off. She'll start singing with me, and next thing I know, the entire room is picked up. 

"If that doesn't work, I just pick them up, put them away, and tell her when she's ready to play nicely with those things, she can have them back. But when she throws them and ignores me, that's my cue to redirect her energy. 

"If there's a tantrum, I will always get down on her level so we're eye to eye. In her mind, that shows her we're equal. Even though I'm Mommy, trying to calm her down in that moment, forcing her to look up at me only shows her authority, not empathy. It's very trying some days, 100%, but I think it's more beneficial for both of us.

"There is no reasoning with a toddler, but if you do enough research, you start to pick up little habits and try new strategies along the way, and when they work, it's this magical light bulb moment. She's like my little cage-free chicken. Not free range, but cage-free."

—Jessica, 32

—loladoll88

"We just try to be as patient as we can, read up on what is age-appropriate behavior for their development, and use lots of empathy to connect with and understand our child. The rest is just experimenting and figuring it out. 

"In the general sense, you can say we gentle parent. But there’s no guilt if we don’t do everything 'by the book.' It doesn’t work to follow someone else’s rules exactly. A child’s experience growing up is a whole combination of lots of things. You can only figure things out one day at a time.

"TL;DR: Gentle parenting is great, but trying to follow every piece of 'advice' from other people is a recipe for guilt and frustration. Parenting is complicated and needs different solutions based on different families."

—BoredEnoughToBeHere

"The one that frustrates me most is that there is too much pressure on gentle parents to be perfect, which just isn’t true. Nobody is perfect, and all parents are ungentle at times. Gentle parents just try to be good enough most of the time and apologize when we mess up. There is no pressure if you really understand the parenting style. 

"I’m also frustrated that people think there are no boundaries or discipline, because there are lots of both. We just don’t hurt our children, emotionally or physically, when we discipline them."

—Jane, 42

"It's harder to improve their behavior with the years of regular parenting. But the youngest is more vocal, more kind, patient, etc. I try to use it with my other siblings as well, and when they are receptive to it, it actually works quite well. They are willing to tell me why they are upset, what needs to be changed, etc."

—sydnee_00

"We make sure to tell them those things too. It is so cool to see how they respond to this type of communication and love. 

"We all truly enjoy one another; our two older boys come to us with hard things, they aren’t ashamed to have us around, and it just feels as if our home is safe and full. Kids are humans who deserve respect, validation, and honesty, and they have immense worth, even when they are hard to deal with sometimes."

—Lauren, 36

"Back in the '80s, yelling at your kid was the norm, I feel like. But nowadays, the pressure I feel from other moms to parent this way makes me feel as if I have to, whether I want to or not. 

"And don’t get me wrong, I want to. But when my 4-year-old is not listening, the dog is barking, and we’re already running late, I’m glad those same moms aren’t around to see me yell till my face is red."

—Natalie, 47

"Does she do crazy shit that makes me pause and think through my life’s decisions? Sure, but I’m not yelling at my child yet. I say 'yet' because I know I’m not a saint and someday I might, but I want to respond to my child’s age-appropriate behavior with my own age-appropriate reaction. 

"It’s my job to guide her and set firm, consistent boundaries. That’s what gentle parenting is all about for me: giving her respect and autonomy *and* boundaries that work for the whole family. 

"I made her, and I should expect a 2½-year-old to do 2½-year-old things sometimes. It’s my responsibility to parent her in a way that’s going to result in a fucking cool young adult sitting across from me at my dinner table someday."

—Erin, 31