Every parent makes mistakes — it's part of the whole "being a human being" thing. But as more and more millennials are becoming parents, lots of us are working really hard to avoid making the mistakes that our parents made when we were growing up.
A while back, we shared some ways millennial parents are trying to do better, and members of the BuzzFeed Community chimed in with their own experiences. Here's some of what they had to say:
1. "I'm a millennial mom of 4-year-old twin girls. My mom was a helicopter mom who spoiled me by doing everything for me, but I let my twins do things for themselves a lot. They're very independent and want to do a lot of things for themselves. My mom's mind is blown every time she hears them do something she had no idea kids that young could do."
2. "I will never compare my children with each other. When I was growing up, my mom always compared me with my older sister, who was perfect in my mom's eyes and could never do any wrong. If I got a B in a class, I was told my sister would have gotten a better grade. It was always heartbreaking to do something good and be told that my sister would have done it better. Or to be asked, 'Why can’t you be more like your sister?' I hated that."
3. "My mom was notorious for giving the silent treatment. She'd stop speaking to me for days, weeks, occasionally months at a time. I often didn't even know WHY she was ignoring me. Sometimes she'd tell me later, sometimes not. As a parent, if I feel I'm in danger of saying something I'll regret, I remove myself from the situation to calm down, but I don't ignore my kids. I make it clear why I'm angry and how I expect them to remedy the situation."
"As a Jehovah's Witness, my mom was also dismissive of mental healthcare, skeptical of the benefits of therapy, and downright derisive about prescriptions to treat mental illness. When I was suffering from depression, she told me I needed to pray more. At 40, even though my rational mind knows my meds help me, that voice is still there, telling me it's all a moral failing.
"We have open discussions about mental health with our kids. When they feel they need to talk to a therapist, they tell us, and we make them an appointment."
4. "My parents were very cold people. I don't remember being hugged or told 'I love you' as a child at all, to be honest. They didn't talk about feelings at all, and if I cried, it was always treated as an annoyance and I'd be told, 'There's nothing to cry about.'"
5. "My big thing was never to tell my kid he was being a tattletale when he came to me or another adult with a problem. It's my belief that if you brush off a minor problem (like 'That kid took my toy') as tattling, then your kid isn't going to tell an adult about the BIG problems ('Such and such is being inappropriate' or 'Such and such is doing something dangerous'). I feel that telling them they're being a tattle belittles them and instills a fear of going to an adult with an issue."
6. "My boomer dad and Silent Generation mom did mostly well raising me, especially in my younger years. However, in the mid-1990s, they got weird with their Bible interpretations and thought the 'rapture' would occur in 2008. I was taught that the end of the world was going to happen in my 20s. I'm definitely not teaching my son rapture theology."
7. "I want our relationship to be built on trust. We have a rule that as long as she’s honest with us, I won’t be angry. I may get frustrated or disappointed, and we talk about that, but I only get angry when she lies. There were so many things that I lied to my parents about that were dumb. Now I know they would have understood, but I didn’t trust that when I was a kid. I don’t want my daughter to feel that she needs to lie in order to avoid getting in trouble."
8. "My mom raised us by equal parts guilting and bribing us. I try to be better by actually talking to my son. It's hard right now 'cause he’s only 3, but I want to listen to him and let him know I value his opinions and feelings. He’s such a cool little dude, and kids are sooo much smarter and observant than we give them credit for. It’s been really fun getting to know him and listening to him talk about his day at school and the shows he watches and the toys he plays with."
9. "I apologize if I mess up. I have had moments that I am not proud of as a mother, but I always apologize and tell them that grown-ups are still learning, same as they are. That I'm still learning to be a mom. My dad is still mad that I do this — he thinks that parents never have to apologize."
"I also try to play with them when they ask me. My mom was always tired and never, ever played with me. I only say no if I have to do something, but if I can finish quickly, I go and play with them after I finish."
10. "Allowing my son to be a kid with emotions and feelings, and allowing him to make mistakes. I remember my dad yelling when something was spilled; it’s OK, and I will never make my son feel bad about an accident. Apologizing, saying 'I love you,' and giving hugs (but not forcing) are also big ones."
11. "Something I've started doing for my children is recording voice notes for them. Sometimes I'll find myself thinking about a story from their childhood, and when I recognize that I am, I'll record it as a voice note and then send it to them. My oldest is 23 and my youngest is 12. I had my oldest when I was 18, and as soon as I sent him the first one, he called me and said, 'I liked that. Could you send me more? And send me some for [his brother] as well. I'll save them, just in case something happens, so he can still hear the stories from you.'"
"And that was 100% my intent. They've grown up seeing me be recorded singing, and they'll have videos of me singing. But I want them to have my voice telling them their stories. I want them to have as many 'I love you's' from me as they can get. I don't want them to ever sit and wish they could hear me tell just one more story."
12. "As a millennial parent, I think the big shift I see from these comments and being around other parents is more of a perspective that our kids are their own individual people and not our property. And also an awareness that we are flawed and will make mistakes as parents, and it’s okay to acknowledge that versus the 'It’s my way or the highway' vibe."
"There is more openness to let kids be who they are, like what they like, etc. Most of these comments resonated a lot with me. I know I make a lot of mistakes, but my kids are good people who are kind and caring toward others, so I think that means I’m doing something right."
13. "One thing I've done that wasn't done for me is, I offer my daughter plain water. As a kid, I was never offered water. Always juice, milk, or something flavored. I didn't start drinking plain water daily until I was pregnant! My 9-year-old loves water now. My mom still always tries to offer her flavored drinks."
14. "I make sure the last words she hears from me whenever we part (even naps/bedtime) are, 'I love you.' I make sure that it's sincere and not a quick 'Okay, love you, bye!' type of thing. I want to be 100% sure she knows how much she means to me if that's the last time I see her. A bit morbid, I know, but I remember that feeling of not knowing whether I was loved or whether I was important/special to them, and I never want her to feel that."
"Also, just saying it out of nowhere...the look on her face when I stop her from playing just to tell her makes it that much easier to deal with everything."
15. "This may not be a millennial-specific thing, but I'm working really hard not to perpetuate the toxicity that's been passed down to me from my mom, and from hers to her, etc. She did things the way her mom did them. Even though she hated it, she refused to change. I won't be making that mistake with my son. It's hard to change patterns that were drilled in so long ago and for such a long time, but it's doable. I want him to know he's loved no matter what size he is, what he enjoys doing, and down to the absolute basics of just being who he is."
16. "With my toddlers, I set boundaries. If I tell them no and it results in a tantrum, I let them cry and I tell them I understand that they are sad, but the answer is no because (insert reason). And I tell them calmly that I'm there for them if they need a hug. An escalated adult cannot deescalate an escalated child, and I find myself also having to use these SAME techniques on the adults in my life."
17. "I ask my daughter (3 turning 4) what she wants to do, eat, play, where she wants to go, etc. If she says she want to go to the beach when it's cold out, I can follow up with, 'Why the beach?' Sometimes it's because she wants to play with water; other times she just want to play in sand. If it's sand, there's a large sand park I can go to instead; if water, well, I have a kiddie pool she can go in instead. If she wants pizza (again 😒), then we can make it together at home and I can teach her about cooking food, and when it's done, she's so proud that she did it."
"It's about LISTENING to what she wants and, as a parent, finding a good alternative if it's not plausible. And if it's not, then thoroughly explaining why it's not possible. I've rarely gotten a fight or pushback when treating her like a human being (weird, right?!)."
18. "Not forcing my son to go to school when he’s having an episode. My son has a learning disability and is going to a special school. Some days, he will feel overwhelmed or a bit blue, and he will skip that day. It doesn’t happen frequently, and I call it a mental health day. I don’t want him to think he can’t trust me when he’s feeling overwhelmed or can’t come to me about these things."
"My mom is a great mom, but she was distant when it came to understanding when I was feeling overwhelmed, and I started bottling things up to avoid having those conversations with her. I have talks with my son whenever there are changes happening in my life, and talk about how they can affect him and whether he has worries. Things like that. Communicating and making sure he knows he can trust me and talk to me about anything."
19. "I never understood why parents have to get their kids up early on weekends and during summer break. That's their time to sleep in. And the world will take most of it away at some point, so let them have it now. My mom would wake me up no later than 10 a.m. because 'Sleeping later is lazy,' even if I was up till 4 a.m. babysitting (aka working). To me, it was vastly unfair, and I let my kids have their time to sleep in."
20. "I don’t over-shelter my daughter from the tougher parts of life. My mom recently wound up in the ER in the middle of the night, and as a single parent, I felt my only option was to take her with me. I explained in ways she would understand and let her see my mom, and she got to see as my mom got better and was released. Things like this were kept from me when I was a kid (although I was older than my daughter is now), and it wound up hurting me more because I wasn’t just told the truth from the beginning."
21. "I'm doing my best to check my family heirloom neurosis and perfectionism. If something wasn't done 100% correct when I was growing up, there was this big, dramatic ordeal, along with being reprimanded and, of course, having to do it again. Why not, as the parent, jump in and teach the proper way to do something, while also understanding and conveying that there are 20 ways to skin a cat? It took a lot of reflection and therapy to understand that nothing is perfect, and screwing something up doesn't mean you're a failure."
22. "I grew up sitting at the dinner table until 11 p.m. some nights because I wouldn’t eat certain foods. My parents always underestimated my stubbornness and pettiness. It just reinforced my behavior and made me hate them. I found myself giving my kid ultimatums like that a few times, which led to us yelling, him crying, and just hurting our bond. I don’t do that anymore at all. He is a rad little man who loves trying new things and knows he can change his mind about stuff."
23. "Being a parent can be so overwhelming when we're trying to do better than how we were raised. My biggest go-to is just, 'Don’t be an asshole to your kid.' It’s easy for adults to give kids the brush-off or not take their fears and concerns seriously because as adults, we view those things as not a big deal. We have to remember that they’re little humans who also have very real and big feelings, just like adults do, and they deserve to be taken seriously too. Whenever I find myself exhausted and being snappy with my kid, I remind myself not to go into that mode and to be patient. Don’t be an asshole to your kid."
24. "I think the biggest thing I do, that my parents never did, is ask my children for feedback on how I'm doing as a parent. I have two kids and I ask them often, 'Hey, dude, is there something I could do better? Is there something I'm doing that you wish I wouldn't? Is there something you need from me that I'm not giving you?'"
"And this has resulted in a lot of really great discussions about things like, 'Mom, you've been kind of snappy lately, and it makes me sad when you snap at me,' and 'I really appreciate that you randomly send me voice notes telling me that you're proud of me. So we don't have to have a whole conversation, but I still get to hear that you were thinking about me.'
"I also tell my kids that they're allowed to call me out on things. Like, if I get short with them and they don't feel that they deserve it, they're allowed to say something like, 'Hey. Why are you taking that tone with me?' Because the way I speak to them is just as important as the way they speak to me."
25. "Although my parents weren’t that bad, I want my kids to grow in a different environment from what I grew up in. And it's funny because it seems that my mom has something to say about anything I do with my baby. I went to get my nails done and left him with HIS own dad. My mom was in shock that I was able to go and get my nails done and my husband was taking care of the baby, LOL."
26. "I try not to burden my kids with my stresses. Some things I can’t protect them from, like having to move (they’re all in or just out of high school now), but my mom used me as a therapist from as young as I can remember, and I did not want to do that to my kids. It’s so much pressure for an 8-year-old to have to listen to and try to help solve adult problems. I may have gone the other way a bit."
"But there are things I’ll tell them age-appropriately, like when I told my daughter about the eating disorder I had when I was younger when I suspected that she was starting down that path. She still credits me with helping her before it got out of hand. My mom just denied and still denies that she had an ED when she was in her teens/20s and beyond. She was just 'naturally skinny.' I tried to emulate her, and the only way I could be as thin as she was in her old pictures was by developing an eating disorder. I'm sure she knew, but she never said a word to me at the time.
"I also never focused on my kids’ weight or put them on a diet, and they’re all healthy."
27. "I refuse to call my daughter any names that could cause her self-worth to go down. I grew up being called 'dumb,' 'stupid,' 'idiot.' Because of that, I have had a very poor view of myself, and to be honest, I can’t recall the last time I actually liked myself. I don’t want her to be 30 years old sitting in therapy trying to get to a point where she just likes who she is."
Is there anything you would add? Tell us all about it in the comments.
Note: Some responses have been edited for length, clarity, and/or grammar.